Grieving a Future That Never Came: Pregnancy Loss and the Dreams We Carry

Weaving Grief
Oct 14
7 min read

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time to remember and honour babies lost, prayed for, and the families and indiviudals impacted. So we're holding space for that here today (resources for further support linked below).

Pregnancy loss is a deeply painful and layered experience. While there is the devastating loss of a baby, there is also secondary losses wraped up in the loss of an imagined future. When a pregnancy ends, for any reason, what is lost is not just the present, but also the entire tapestry of hopes, milestones, and dreams woven around the life that was expected.

This often creates a sense of incompleteness - the nursery that never got painted, the birthdays that wont be celebrated, the role of mother or father feels painfully out of reach. These unseen losses carry an immense amount of weight, alongside the physical absence of the child, and yet, they often go unacknowledged leaving the grieving parents feeling increasingly heartbroken and isolated.

For many, this grief is layered and complex. It streches accross body, mind, and soul. It is not only about death, but about the unravelling of possibility and the imagined future of what could have or should have been.

In this blog post we are exploring the tender terrain of navigating pregnancy loss, to name the grief, normalize the experience, and to honour the dreams carried.

Understanding The Grief of Pregnancy Loss

Grief after pregnany loss is often misunderstood by many, even well intentioned family and friends. People often offer platitudes and silver linings, such as "you can try again", "at least it was early", "at least you have your other child". Such comments dismiss the profound reality of what was lost, and communicates to the grieving person that their grief is not welcome in your presence. These comments may be well intentioned, but they are deeply painful and extremely hurtful.

Pregnancy loss holds a grief that is:

Invisible: there may be no photos, no public rituals, no tangible markers of the life that was carried, felt, dreams about, and/or prayed for.
Layered: The loss is not just of the pregnancy, but also of identity, possibiliy, and belonging.
Minimized: In a culture uncomfortable with grief, pregnancy loss is often diminished or silenced.
Complex: It can bring up feelings of shame, guilt, isolation, or even betrayal by ones own body.

Pregnancy loss grief is not only about who is gone, but also what is gone: a future self, a future family, a future life.

Dreams Pregnancy Carries

From the moment two lines appear on a pregnancy test, many begin dreaming and feeling into what is to come. Awareness of pregnancy often sets in motion a cascade of imagination:

What will their laugh sound like?
Who will they look like and resemble?
What traditions will we pass down?
How will life change once they arrive?
Beginning to plan for future events they will be apart of

These dreams begin to take shape quickly and powerfully. In some cases, people begin picking out names, planning nurseries, and preparing for changes in family rhythms. For others, the dream may feel quieter, but no less real, and may show up differently as subtle shifts in identity prepare for parenthood.

When pregnancy ends, these dreams feel like they end suddenly. What was once a future is now an absense. And in this absence, intangible, invisible, and deeply felt, that lingers in the mind, mind, and soul.

Grieving The Future That Never Came

Pregnancy loss is sometimes referred to as disenfranchised grief, a type of grief that society does not always recognize or validate. But this does not make it any less real.

Grieving a futre that never came might look like:

Mourning the baby clothes you never got to buy, or bought but won't be using.
Feeling the sting of seeing others' milestones - baby showers, first birthdays, family moments, and kindergarden photos, while missing your own.
Grieving the version of yourself who was supposed to exist: the mother or the father you imagined becoming.
Carrying anniversaries - due dates, loss dates, imagined birthdays, that others might not know or remember.
Sitting with the ache of empty arms, empty nursery, and what feels like an empty and uncertain future.

This grief is the ache of love, it is the grief of a relationship and a future, that matters deeply.

How Pregnancy Loss Shapes Identity

Pregnancy loss often reshapes identity in ways that are difficult to articulate. For so many, it feels like there is a distinct before and after.

Identity as a parent: Even if the baby is never born, many feel they became parents the moment they conceived. Losing the pregnacy can create confusion about this identity. Asking the question of am I still a mother/father? And how to answer if people ask if you have children.
Identity in the body: Pregnancy loss can alter how someone relates to their body. Feelings of betrayal, shame, or disconnection are common, as well as compasion for a body that has held both life and loss.
Identity in community: Social roles may shift, how you show up for others, navigate baby showers, announcements, and gatherings can feel difficult, complex, or conflicting. Friends who don't know what to say may pull away, leaving the grieving feeling more isolated and misunderstod.

Acknowledging these identity shifts is an important part of the healing process. Many people feel they are no longer the same person they were before the loss, and that deserves to be honoured.

Honouring the Grief of Pregnancy Loss

Honouring this grief is not about "moving on", or "getting over it" as some may allude to. It's about creating space for what is true - for the love, the loss, the life, the longing, and the complexity of holding and carrying it all.

Here are a few ways we may begin to honour the grief of pregnancy loss:

01. Create Rituals of Remembrance

Light a candle on due dates, plant a tree, write letters, or create an alter with objects that symbolize your baby and your dreams.

02. Name the Loss

Give yourself permission to speak about your pregnancy and your baby, in whatever ways feel true to you. Regardless of whether others remember. Naming your grief helps to honour your experience and your babies existence.

03. Allow the Body to Grieve

The body knows how to grieve. Just as it knows how to eat, sleep, birth, and love, the body knows how to grieve. And we must let it do what it knows how to do. We may support our bodies through somatic grief practices, such as movement, grief meditations, breakthwork, yoga, or simply crying. Allowing your body to hold and release what words cannot.

04. Share Your Story

Whether with a trusted friend who is able to be present with grief, a grief therapist, or a support group, sharing your story helps to externlize grief (letting it live outside of us), and breaks the silence around pregnancy loss.

05. Honour Anniversaries

Mark the dates that matter to you. These dates are part of your story and your experience. And even when we don't note important dates, often our body remembers.

Living with Both, Love and Loss

Grief after pregnacy loss is not something that goes away; it becomes someting we live with. Over time, it may soften, but it never disappears entirely.

It is possible to carry both love and loss simultaneously. To celebrate the children of friends (when you're ready), while still grieving the child you lost. To live a full life, while still honouring the longing for what could have and should have been. To love deeply, even in the presence of heartbreak.

Holding this paradox is part of what makes grief sacred. It is the act of living with love that has no place to go, yet continues to flow.

The Sacred Practuce of Both/And: Embracing Dualities and Living with Paradox

Supporting Someone Through Pregnancy Loss

If you love someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, please know that your presence and ability it be with their grief is more powerful than words. You don't need to fix it, or make sense of it, or to make them feel better. Its okay for them to be sad right now.

Be present.
Avoid platitudes and silver linging such as "at least..", or "you can try again..".
Offer practical support like meals, childcare, errands.
Remember anniversaries, and check in. Grief lasts long after the early days of loss.
Give them space and grace, without an expectation of timeline.
Know that they may be different now, and that this loss has likely changed them in ways they might not even know yet.

The gift of being witnessed, of having grief seen and validated, is one of the most healing things you can offer.

The Sacredness of Dreams that Never Came to Be

Pregnancy loss is a grief that touches the deepest parts of the human heart. It is the loss not only of the baby, but of dreams, futures, plans, roles and identities. It is the grief of a life unlived, and a future that never came to be.

If you are carrying this grief, know this: your pain is real, your longing is sacred, and your love is proof of the bond you carried.

May you be met with gentleness as you grieve. May your story be honoured, your baby be remembered, and your future be held with tenderness and care.

Your grief is not invisible. Your dreams matter. And so do you.

Resources:

Bearing the Unbearable by Dr Joanne Cacciatore

The Baby Loss Guide by Zoe Clarke Coates

Beyond Goodbye by Zoe Clarke Coates

Pregnancy After Loss by Zoe Clarke Coates

About Us:

Weaving Grief specializes in compassionate grief therapy for individuals navigating loss of any kind - death, breakups, relationship transitions, chronic illness, loss of self, and more. By addressing these profound experiences, Weaving Grief empowers clients to grieve freely and live fully. Through somatic practices and meaningful reflection, we’re here to help you navigate these tender moments and rediscover the fullness of life.

Specific areas of focus: death of a loved one (recent or past), life changing transitions, relationship transitions and break ups, pregnancy loss, grief around family planning, chronic illness, loss of Self, and supporting entrepreneurs through the grief that comes with growth.

To learn more about Our Team or to book a session, click here.

In this blog post: Pregnancy loss grief extends beyond the baby—it includes the future imagined, the dreams carried, and the identity as a parent that never came to be. This article explores the layered grief of pregnancy loss, how to honor it, and ways to carry both love and sorrow.