The Grief of Perfect and The Costs of Perfectionism

Weaving Grief
3 days ago
6 min read

We live in a world that praises perfection, polished appearances, flawless skin, perfect images, and carefully curated lives. Yet, beneath this relentless striving is an experience few of us name. The grief of perfect (or perfection), and is not about loosing someone we love, but rather its about loosing ourselves - our truth, our softness, our fullest expression, our aliveness, and the freedom to simply just be.

We think (unconsciously) that perfection promises safety, acceptance, and worth (or at least that's what perfectionism tells us). But in chasing it, we end up abdanoning ourselves, and that self abandonment carries its own kind of grief, loss, and longing.

What Is the Grief of Perfection?

The grief of perfection is the sorrow, saddness, and longing that comes when we realize just how much of our lives have been shaped by the demand to be perfect, and why we've felt the need to shape our experience in those ways in the first place.

It may show up in many different ways:

The grief of silenced creativity because we feared it wouldn't be "good enough"
The grief of relationships strained by the need to control or perform
The grief of years lost to comparison, shame, and self-criticism
The grief of never feeling enough or at home in our own skin

Perfection is not simply a personality trait, its often a survival strategy, learned long ago. It protects us from abandonment, rejection, critisim, and the overwhelming fear of not being enough or not being loved. But this protection comes at a cost, often a big one.

The Roots of Perfectionsim and Grief

Many of us learned early on that love and approval were conditional. We were praised and celebrated when we excelled, and criticized or maybe even ignored when we didn't. Slowly we began to equate performance and perfection with love and approval.

This conditioning plants deep roots:

In families: Where achievement or image mattered more than vulnerabiliyt.
In society: Where productivity was valued more than presence.
In grief itself: Where even the way we grieve can feel performative, judged, wrong, or measured up against unspoken standards.

Overtime we may find ourselves grieving experiences we didn't get to fully live and experience, playfulness we burried, truth we concealed, and the ease of simply being.

How Perfection Interferes with Grief Work

When perfectionism, performance, and these ingrained beliefs show up in our grief work, it may sound like:

"I should be over this by now"
"I should grieve quietly, privately, and without burdening or inconviencing others"
"I should be strong"

But the truth is, grief is not linear, tidy, or controllable. It is raw, messy, complex, wild, alive, and untamed. When perfection overlays grief, it becomes harder to access our truth and the healing that grief brings. Instead of moving through our pain, we suppress it, critique it, and shame ourselves for feeling it in the first place.

Naming the Losses That Come with Perfection

Grief is complex, yeah? It's rare that we just grieve one singular thing at a time, one experience of loss often (if not always) pulls at other threads of loss. And part of moving through the grief that comes with perfection is naming what has been lost. Some of which include:

Loss of authenticity: The cost of constantly performing or pleasing.
Loss of rest: The exhaustion of never feeling "enough".
Loss of creativity: The suppression of expression, for fear of failure or rejection.
Loss of connection: The distance and separateness perfection creates between us and others.
Loss of joy: The inability to experience life without judgement.

Identifying and naming these losses, gives permission to grieve. It creates space to feel the sorrow of what perfection has taken, and to gently weave a new experience and invite in something new.

Something Different then Perfect

Navigating through perfection is less about "fixing" and more about softening. We know how to fix, get it right, and tie everything up neatly with a bow .. we're good at that part. Healing perfection invites in a different experience, one thats more messy, raw, and unfiltered (yikes, I know).

01. Permission To Be Messy

At its core, perfection is not real. The permission to be messy is essentially the permission to be human. And let me tell you how much is disliked (hated) this feeling when I started to uncover my perfectionist tendancies. But with it then came, freedom, liberation, and true expression and connection, deeper and more meaningful relationships.

02. Get Off the Pedestal

Truth is, sometimes we put ourselves up there and sometimes other people place us and hold us up there. It's not a great place to be, it prevents us from feeling true and real connection. No one is perfect, and when we hold that expectation for ourselves, another, or it's held for us, we are doomed to "fail" at some point when our humanness is revealved, it's inevitable, and when it does things tend to crash hard.

03. Practice Gentle Witnessing

Notice when perfectionism arises without judgement. Awareness is the first step toward change. What are you noticing you are trying to protect by getting this "right"?

04. Grieve What Was Lost

Allow yourself to feel the sadness of years spent striving, performing, and growing at all costs. Grieve the missed opportunities for rest, joy, play, fun, "just because" moments, and real connection. This grief is deep, raw, and valid. Be gentle with yourself as it surfaces, it can be intense and overwhelming.

05. Reclaim Your Authenticity

Begin experimenting with showing up as you are, even in small tiny ways. Test it out in "low risk" situations, or in the comfort of your own space. Give yourself options, and begin to feel into whats true and perfered for you.

06. Embrace Imperfection as Sacred

See the cracks, flaws, and vulnerability not as evidence of failure, but as openings for connection and aliveness.

07. Seek Supportive Community

Healing perfection often requires being witnessed in our raw, unpolished, messy selves. Finding community and people we feel comfortable enough stepping out of our comfot zone with will be helpful.

The Paradox: Freedom with Imperfection

The grief of perfecion is real and heavy, if you're reading this you may know and feel that already. But within this space, also lies the paradox, that the very thing we fear.. our imperfection, is the gateway to our freedom.

When we allow ourselves to be undone, unpolished, and unfinished, we touch something deeper than perfection ever could. It gives us access to true belonging, tenderness, soulful relating, and a more authentic way of being and experiencing the world.

The Invitation

The grief of perfect, and perfection, invites us into deeper relationship with ourselves, and with our humanity. It asks us to mourn what was lost, and to courageously reclaim what still remains and waits within us.. our authenticity, our truth, our joy, our full expression, our tenderness, and our connectedness.

If you see yourself in these words, know that you are not alone. I wrote it, because I know this experience all too well, so know that you are in good company here. Perfection may have taken and impacted a lot, but it has not taken everything. The path forward is one of softness, community, expression, and permission to simply be as you are, and for that to be enough.

At Weaving Grief, we create spaces where imperfection is welcomed, grief is honoured, and aliveness is nurtured. If you feel read to explore your own grief of perfection, we invite you to book a consultation with one of our grief therapists, or to join our community offerings.

About Us:

Weaving Grief specializes in compassionate grief therapy for individuals navigating loss of any kind - death, breakups, relationship transitions, chronic illness, loss of self, and more. By addressing these profound experiences, Weaving Grief empowers clients to grieve freely and live fully. Through somatic practices and meaningful reflection, we’re here to help you navigate these tender moments and rediscover the fullness of life.

Specific areas of focus: death of a loved one (recent or past), life changing transitions, relationship transitions and break ups, pregnancy loss, grief around family planning, chronic illness, loss of Self, and supporting entrepreneurs through the grief that comes with growth.

To learn more about Our Team or to book a session, click here.

In this blog post: Perfectionism often hides unacknowledged grief—the loss of authenticity, creativity, rest, and freedom. This long-form guide explores the grief of perfection, its roots, and how to begin healing by embracing imperfection, tenderness, and aliveness.