The Grief of Shedding Old Identities: Navigating Who You Thought You’d Be
- Weaving Grief
- Apr 15
- 5 min read
There is a particular kind of grief that isn’t spoken about enough—the grief of shedding old identities, of outgrowing who you thought you’d be, of saying goodbye to parts of yourself that you have outgrown, and the grief that comes with growth.
For those of us navigating through life transitions, especailly those in their 20s and 30s, this loss can feel especially raw. It's commmon to feel lost in your late 20s and 30s - this is the decade of transitions: relationships shift, careers take unexpected turns, dreams evolve, and some fall away entirely. What happens when the version of yourself you once imagined no longer fits? What do you do with the sorrow that arises when the life you planned doesn’t unfold as expected? What happens when you feel stuck between what was and what has yet to become?
The Quiet Loss of an Old Self
Grief is most often associated with death, but there are many deaths we experience in a lifetime that have nothing to do with the physical body. The death of a dream. The death of a once-clear purpose. The death of a relationship. The death of a version of yourself that no longer serves you.
Shedding these identities can feel like standing at the edge of the unknown, looking back at the ghost of who you were and wondering if you've made the right choices.
For many, their twenties and thirties were meant to be a time of becoming—building the career they had envisioned, stepping into love and partnership in ways they had dreamed of, achieving markers of success, building and becoming. And yet, life rarely follows a linear path. Some relationships end, instead of deepening. Careers feel suffocating, instead of fulfilling. The versions of success we once held crumbles beneath the weight of our lived experience. And sometimes, we find ourselves deconstructing, unravelling, and unbecoming instead.
And so, a different kind of grief emerges. One that is rarely acknowledged, let alone ritualized or mourned properly.
The Unexpected Ache of Unlived Lives
We often think of grief as something external—something that happens to us, something we endure because of an outside loss. But there is also grief for the paths not taken, the stories that were left unwritten, and for the versions of ourselves we left behind. In your twenties and thirties, as you make choices—whether consciously or unconsciously—you begin to feel the quiet ache of the unlived lives.
The what-ifs creep in: What if I had stayed in that relationship? What if I had pursued that dream? What if I had taken the other job? What if it never hapens for me?
These are ghosts that linger. They whisper in moments of doubt, in moments of exhaustion, in moments where the life you have chosen feels overwhelming. It is natural to wonder about the versions of yourself that might have been. But just as in any grief, the challenge is learning how to hold these losses without letting them consume you.
Shedding as a Rite of Passage
In many cultures, rites of passage mark the transition from one stage of life to another. In the Western world, we lack rituals for the shedding of old identities. There is no communal practice for mourning the loss of our younger selves, no guidance for navigating the grief of personal evolution, and no ceremony as we prepare to step into a new season of our lives. And yet, this shedding is as inevitable as the changing of the seasons. Without it, something feels incomplete, and we may feel stuck somewhere between two worlds.
Perhaps this is why so many in their twenties and thirties feel unmoored. There is no roadmap for navigating the in-between space—the liminality of who you were and who you are becoming. The absence of ritual means many walk this path alone, wondering if they are the only ones feeling the weight of what has been lost, and the uncertainty of what is yet to become.
The Somatics of Identity Grief
Grief does not only live in the mind—it lives in the body. The shedding of identities can manifest physically: tightness in the chest, a hollow ache in the stomach, fatigue that lingers. The body remembers the old versions of you. It holds onto them in ways that may be subtle but deeply felt.
For those navigating this transition, practices of embodiment can be powerful tools for moving through the grief and finding an anchor in who you are now. Somatic practices such as breathwork, movement, and ritualized release, allow the body to acknowledge and integrate the loss. Writing letters to old versions of yourself, creating ceremonies of release, or even simply naming the grief can help you process the shift on a deeper level.
Embracing the Grief of Becoming
The shedding of old identities is not just about loss—it is also about space. When we let go of who we thought we’d be, we make room for who we are meant to become. But grief and growth are intertwined; to expand, we must first mourn. First the grief, then the rising. We must root down, before we can rise up and bloom.
This process is not linear. Some days, you will feel relief in leaving behind old expectations. Other days, the weight of what was will feel unbearable. This is the nature of transformation—it is both a birth and a death.
Learning to grieve the self you no longer are allows you to step into your next chapter with clarity. It gives you permission to honor what was while embracing what is still unfolding.
Conclusion: The Courage to Let Go
Shedding old identities is an act of courage. It requires the willingness to sit with discomfort, to face the unknown, to trust that the path forward will reveal itself even when it feels uncertain. The grief of letting go is real, but so is the possibility that comes in its wake.
To those in their twenties and thirties navigating this loss, know this: your grief real, and your grief is valid. Your longing for the past does not mean you are moving in the wrong direction. And most importantly, you are not alone in this process. We are all, in some way, shedding, growing, and learning how to hold both grief and hope in the same breath.
So, allow yourself to mourn who you thought you’d be.
But also, leave space for the joy of discovering who you are becoming.
Over here in our world we aren't doing grief work the way we’ve been sold, taught, and fed throughout our lives. If you’re like us, you’re ready to do it differently.
Ready to take the next step? Download Being with Grief, our f r e e workbook designed to help you redefine your relationship with loss. Inside, you'll find powerful somatic practices, meaningful rituals, and journaling prompts to support your journey.
About Us:
Weaving Grief specializes in compassionate grief therapy for individuals navigating loss of any kind - death, breakups, relationship transitions, chronic illness, loss of self, and more. By addressing these profound experiences, Weaving Grief empowers clients to grieve freely and live fully. Through somatic practices and meaningful reflection, we’re here to help you navigate these tender moments and rediscover the fullness of life.
Specific areas of focus: death of a loved one (recent or past), life changing transitions, relationship transitions and break ups, pregnancy loss, grief around family planning, chronic illness, loss of Self, and supporting entrepreneurs through the grief that comes with growth.
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